So here’s how I got out of the birds and bees talk with a turtle:
Facebook status (reformatted for blog):
Christopher said, "I wanna know how babies are formed."
I said, "Huh?"
He repeated himself.
I said, "I'm getting ready to cook dinner."
He said, "Can't you talk at the same time?"
I said, "No, I need to look at a recipe."
Hopefully my husband will be home shortly. Let's see how I can cook this 20-minute meal in slow motion.
A few minutes into my marathon meal he says, "Mom when you get done I need to talk to you because I have a lot on my mind and its gross."
It was about this time last year when he insisted on knowing which part of me he came out of. Finally I blurted out, “My private parts,” and he said, “So, what? You can’t tell me?”
Yes, that was the end of that conversation.
So when he said he had something on his mind, I was really freaking out.
Turns out the gross something on his mind was about so & so putting barbecue sauce on their carrots and ketchup on their peas.
I was relieved. We might be onto something with distractions. So I carried on the conversation about how disgusting that was and did you know some people put ketchup on eggs…
A couple days later someone replied to my Facebook status:
How'd the talk go? Are you still cooking dinner?
I gave her the short story. But what had happened was….
I was pulling the trashcan to the street when I noticed a small turtle. I went back in to go get Christopher. I was thinking to myself, this is just the distraction I need. I showed him the turtle shell. I said, “Pick it up and bring it in the yard so he doesn’t get run over.” Christopher said, “What’s if he pokes his head out and snaps me.” I told him I didn’t think it was a snapping turtle. He continued to stand by with the, I’m not going to touch it look. I said oh geez, where is your father as I looked up the street, thinking, I’m gonna have to pick up the turtle to show him there is nothing to be afraid of.
I picked up the turtle and in my mind I was saying, ewww ewww ewww as I made it a few steps to our mailbox and put it down. This was a major. I don’t like buggy insecty reptiley things.
Christopher then brought the turtle the rest of the way into the yard. My husband came home a few minutes later and they walked it to a nearby lake.
So here’s the turtle. What? I said it was small.
Here’s the thing… a few days later I’m still saying, “Ewww I touched a turtle” , but it did buy me some time.